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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630766">autumn leaves (and heartbreak dreams)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy'>dingletragedy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>ballum week ‘20 [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, the affair that never was</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:48:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,473</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“One day,” Callum whispers, words soft, yet cutting. “One day I’ll give you the world.” </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Callum—” Ben begs helplessly. “Don’t. Don’t promise me that. You can’t.” </i>
</p><p>or, what i imagine would’ve been a missing scene during the affair that never was.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>ballum week ‘20 [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780960</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>autumn leaves (and heartbreak dreams)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i did it!!! somehow i managed to write this for day 2 of ballum week in the very limited time i had - after a full day at work, and a lengthy nap - despite swearing i wouldn't be able to do anything for day 2 lmao!! </p><p>it's not the best because i was very rushed for time, but its something and i'm proud of it for that matter only. </p><p>title: slide - jake Bugg</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben’s feeling particularly on edge tonight. Buzzed and full of a nervous kind of energy, foot tapping a beat against the floor, fingers finding a rhythm of their own. The nights only just beginning, tens of people squeezing their way to the dance floor, drinks clasped awkwardly in their hands for their mates, all the lights dimmed wine-red and heady. </p><p>Ben’s skin prickles, looking over to the bar, he sees Callum lingering, refusing to look at him. </p><p><em>Callum. Callum. Callum</em>. </p><p>They hadn’t met up at all this week, not in the park in the dead of night, nor behind the carlot during a shared lunch break. Callum had said he was too busy, but Ben saw him, strolling the Square with Whitney, hand in hand, <em>ring on ring</em>. Now though, Ben wants to sneak behind the bar and hide his face in Callum’s neck, keep himself there forever. </p><p>When he finally pushes outside, it’s warm and the drainpipe is dripping beside him, and Callum is waiting with his arms crossed, legs crossed, leant against the bricks and staring at an inky puddle.</p><p>“Hey,” Ben says, more an exhale of breath because his cheeks are still pink and his chest is faltering. </p><p>“Hey,” Callum repeats lowly. </p><p>“Alright?” </p><p>Ben approaches hesitantly, until he’s blocking out the orange light with his body and Callum is standing in his shadow. </p><p>“Yeah,” Ben shrugs, almost a flinch. Everything aches.  </p><p>“Where’ve you been?” Callum asks.</p><p>“What?” Ben huffs a tiny laugh.</p><p>“This week,” Callum says, looking up from his hands, blinking slowly. He’s drunk, groggy and slurring his words a little. “Haven’t seen you for a while.” </p><p>“Ain't been nowhere,” Ben says slowly, heat spreading up into his cheeks and his neck, breathing deeply. “Why? D’you miss me or something?”</p><p>It’s meant to be teasing but Callum’s gaze flickers, fingers tightening in into fists, knuckles white-hot. </p><p>“No,” he says.<em> “Course not.” </em></p><p>“That was convincing,” Ben grins, and Callum shoves him lightly.</p><p>“Shut up,” he mutters. </p><p>“Did you, though?” Ben presses, finding Callum’s fingers in the dark, cold and smooth against his own.</p><p>“Did I what?” Callum says, light and brilliant. </p><p>“Miss me?” Ben says softly.</p><p>Calum pauses, blinks up at him in the orange-dark. They’re still for a moment, just watching each other. Then, Callum’s hands come up to clasp Ben’s neck, and he’s pulling their lips together wetly, noses brushing, falling together against the wall. Ben doesn’t have any time to steady himself, just lets their bodies press, lets their teeth clack for an awkward beat before their tongues slide and things go warm and heady and yes, he thinks as Callum curls his fingers into the hair at the back of Ben’s head, <em> yes-yes-yes </em>. </p><p>“I’ve missed you so much, Ben,” Callum says then, so quietly that tears spring to Ben’s eyes. “I’m so happy you’re here.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Ben nods, unsure as to why it felt like the whole world was collapsing in on him, why his chest hurt both aches and bursts when Callum kisses him like that. “Me too.”</p><p>“Are you happy?” Callum says, words smudged against Ben’s lips, swallowed down with a kiss.  </p><p>Ben stared at him, at the redness crowding Callum’s sleepy eyes, the most genuine person he’d ever known. He was in love. He <em> is </em> in love. </p><p>He wasn’t happy, no, he hadn’t been completely happy for a long time. But he was in love. He was desperately, dangerously and foolishly in love. </p><p>“Yeah,” he lies, the first of many. It makes Callum smile, though, and that was a good enough thing</p><p>for Ben. In fact, that was his one good thing, that Callum was happy. <em> Callum-Callum-Callum </em>.</p><p>The breath Callum exhales past Ben’s lips is shaky, the same shakiness that rests in his fingers when they find Ben’s hips, curling into the small of his back, rucking up his shirt, pressing closer. He tastes like the darkness of the night and amber liquor, smells like the subtleness of Ben’s own cologne, looks like the light of a new days, a shining sun or a moonlit sky. It’s all becoming familiar, too familiar and that familiarity makes Ben’s knees go weak when he pulls Callum away from the wall, when they stumble down the alley with their hands clasped and their gazes blown. </p><p>When they tumble into the car lot, there’s no room for words or thought.</p><p>It’s just skin and touches and mouths moving too fast, just the moonlight spilling through the fogged windows and the wet sound of their lips, the rustle and click of belts and zippers. Callum is warm and soft under him, giving to Ben’s hands, arching up into him when Ben runs his fingers along his ribs, back down again to his waistband, tugging at them.</p><p>“<em>God,”</em> he breathes, slurs the word against Ben’s jaw. There are still fingers in his hair, carding through and pulling at the knots, and Ben feels slick with sweat and want, cradled in his collarbones and hips and behind his ears. Callum licks a fire-hot strip into Ben’s mouth, bites down on his lips with his teeth and pushes his body up into Ben’s like he’ll die if they don’t keep touching. </p><p>Ben pushes Callum’s shirt up with his fingers, rucks it up as far as he can get it, and kisses his stomach wetly, works his way up to his collarbones, fabric bunched up. It’s so intoxicating, <em>so much,</em> and Ben has to pause against Callum’s chest, has to suck in a gulp of wet, hazy air, lips dragging on warm skin.</p><p>It’s as he shifts, the dewy light from outside spilling over his shoulder, that he sees the smudge of a mark under Callum’s collarbone. One he didn’t put there.</p><p>He pauses, and Callum is still moving beneath him, leaning up to kiss at Ben’s jaw, fingers tugging on his belt loops, but Ben can’t look away from that spot, stomach curling when he sees the others, tucked around his ribs, hidden away. Ben slows eventually, jabbing Callum’s stomach with his finger questioningly.</p><p>“Y’alright?” he murmurs. Their hips are still working against each other, these gentle rolls, and Ben has to close his eyes for a moment against it.</p><p>When he presses his thumb into the mark by Callum’s collarbone, Ben freezes.</p><p>“Ben,” he says quietly, wraps his fingers loosely around Ben’s wrist. “Hey.”</p><p>“I hate this,” Ben admits, just as quiet, rubbing at the mark slowly, calculatingly, trying to get his thoughts to slot together.</p><p>“I know,” Callum says. Something flares in Ben’s abdomen. “I’m sorry.” </p><p>“Me too,” he whispers the words against Callum’s throat, scrapes his teeth against his skin and revels at the way Callum goes rigid and wound up against him, a tiny sound escaping the back of his throat. “Wish it weren’t like this.”</p><p>“Ben,” Callum whispers on a stuttered breath, their foreheads pressed close, lips brushing. </p><p>Ben ducks his head and replaces his thumb with his mouth. Callum arches up into him, fingers scrambling over his back, leaving crescents in Ben’s skin. He bites, licks and sucks and makes Callum’s skin shiny with it, and he can’t place the fire in his belly, the swell of fuzzy, frantic heat that’s burning between his hips. He feels grossly possessive over this, over something that isn’t even <em> his </em> , but he can’t stop, can’t make himself come up for air. <em>Callum is addictive. </em></p><p>“One day,” Callum whispers, words soft, yet cutting. “One day I’ll give you the world.” </p><p>“Callum—” Ben begs helplessly. “<em> Don’t </em> . Don’t promise me that. <em> You can’t </em>.” </p><p>Everything is hitting Ben all at once, and the world is a blur, but through it all Callum’s eyes are gentle, and his fingers close, familiar, and slow. It’ll never be enough, these stolen moments with Callum. But it’s all that’s on offer, and he’ll take it, one hundred times over. </p><p>“You deserve the world,” Callum grits out. He sounds angry, but his eyes remain gentle. It’s telling. <em> “Deserve everything.” </em><br/>
<br/>
“I’ve got it,” Ben drags his teeth over his jaw. “I’ve got it right here.”</p><p>Maybe the silence speaks for itself then, answers itself, folds into itself and disappears, because when Ben finds Callum’s eyes again, Ben can see the shakiness of his chest, that look in his eyes, and for all his gentle smiles and dazzling charm, he looks hurt, torn - <em> in love.  </em></p><p>The air around them is practically electric still, burning and buzzing with things unsaid and others said too often. Ben finds Callum's neck, his heart sinking and shaking in his chest as he does, because there’s a lingering thought in his mind that won’t leave him alone now, this mantra of <em> mine-mine-mine </em> that he tries to will away, tries not to breathe in Callum’s skin and think <em> this is for me to kiss. </em></p><p>After that, things blur.</p><p>
  <em> He loves me. He loves me not. </em>
</p>
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